First Impressions

Obviously these are hugely important. All of us only have once chance to make a (right) first impression.



Although, bad dates are not limited to the female of the species, as I spoke to a lovely single gentleman today about his bad dates and the first impressions he had of a lady he went to Bristol to see.



The lady in question had been somewhat slimmer than he had previously thought. He got there and was driving past in a volvo (correct car with impact bars for his shock as he nearly crashed on sight of her) and realised that his date resembled the Pilsbury dough boy with breasts and a wig.



Rightly or wrongly, depending on your opinion , they were going out to eat. This lovely man described her eating as watching a washing machine in full cycle.



Ladies - NOTE - not a good look to have jaws being the closest thing to perpetual motion a guy has ever seen.



Needless to say he did not see her again.



Why this man is single is a mystery to me. What do women want ? He is kind, sweet, cute, successful and very funny. He has a great family ( I know of his parents through my Mum and was in school with his sister) . Ladies, if you work out who this guy is and get a date with him - keep hold of him as with his background and family - you will never be blingless, blind or in a position where you can't get a room.



The other great first impression I made was literally falling into a date's arms and doing my utmost not to swear as I was meeting and greeting.



I had got my Ferragamo heel stuck in a grate and went hurtling forward. How romantic falling into a man's arms. Thankfully I still have the shoes , not the man and I am more than certain the shoes are a much better fit.



My friend was asked by a guy when they were going to go out on a first date, would she wear her cat costume to the party they were going to.



She told me that she asked him "What are you going to wear ?"



"Sweetie" I said "Who the F**K cares what he wears if you are in a cat suit, pussy rules the world! "



Imagine that first date, purrfect ...............................


There are also two other first dates I feel compelled to mention. I went on these during the same weekend with two very different men. They were also my last dates with both and for that I am thankful.

Date number one was off to a bad start as soon as I saw his car pull up next to mine in the Starbucks car park of where we had arranged to meet.

Firstly, I was fashionably late. That option is for ladies only. He got out of his car - not a man's car, a vile two seater with some dodgy private plate that only certain types of women drive and joked he thought he would be fashionably late.

I could have run over it in my 4 x 4 it was so small.

Enjoy the laugh and my company , I thought, as this is the first and last time for the joke - ditto dating me again, purely for the fact you were not in there to meet and greet to make the lady feel at ease upon walking in.

Not all women are blessed with the confidence I have so I thought it was really bad form he was not in there waiting to meet his date . We had met on the internet.

Secondly his name had been a non starter from the beginning. I won't name the name, in case I cause offence to those of the same name who are actually quite cool people. It is a name one just could not imagine calling out in the more passionate moments of relationships.

We got seated, I had my usual frappucino light (with what ensued I wished we had gone to a bar as I needed brandy for shock) and his drink was the hottest thing about him.

I noticed during the course of his tedious conversation that he was shaking. He told me he had been out drinking the night before, so I was not sure whether he had DT's, Parkinsons or was downright nervous.

Then he went on to question me about my spiritual side. He said he was spiritual as he listens to an audio self help book by Eckhart Tolle on his Ipod which he finds gives him "inner peace".

He said "I really shouldn't say this "

Then "Don't" I said under my breath.

"But I split from my partner last year in December and I was really upset about it so I got the audio book and it really helps"

NOTE - the date was in January.

How inappropriate to say that on a first date ! On any date to be honest ! The schmuck.

After believing this could not get any worse, it did.

He DRIBBLED ! Yes, dribbled. A long bit of drool escaped from the corner of his mouth, I acutally saw it exit the lips and swing about 5 inches downward. Mercy , Mercy me.

In my time, I have rendered men speechless, breathless and possibly weak at the knees. Never in my years or to my knowledge have I rendered any man salivaless.

It actually crossed my mind to ask him to loan me the self help book as after 45 minutes with this dude, I needed it.

I made my excuses and left.

Anyway, I remained positive as I had another date zero lined up for the next day with a guy off the same dating site.

I decided to take the car even though we were going for drinks. There are times when I am so grateful my intuition plays a part in making the right decision - I could get away quickly. Yesterday's date seemed like perfection compared to what ensued with date zero number two.

I walked in the bar and I nearly RAN back out.

He looked like Frankenstein with too much product in his hair.

He told me he worked in IT. I got that about him as he must have been a dab hand with the "Photoshop" programme on his PC as the picture did not resemble the one on his profile. He looked like a Hammer House of Horror regular. The profile one made him look quite rugged and smouldering. He then interrogated me , attempted to psycho analyse me and bored me rigid. In fact he drained me.

His breath stank, he had residue product in his hair which had left white bits, his shirt was minging and all in all his company was foul.

When I met him, I did not know whether to shake his hand or offer him some bolts for his neck.

On dates the only bolts we are supposed to have are bolts of lightning , not bolts for the man's neck.

I escaped Frankenstein after one drink. He walked me to my car, I sidestepped him, opened my door and more or less used it as a human shield when he said Goodbye to me.

Judo black belt I may be and an ex door women of 10 years, however, this was one wrestle I was not intending to get into by having to fight off his advances.

I went back home, he probably went off to haunt houses and then a quick airbrush of his pics on the PC then loosening his bolts before sleep.

Shortly after these horrendous first dates, my aunt asked me

"How is your love life LC?"

My reply

"Like the ceasefire in Gaza"

Mother and her looked at me quizzically

"Non-existent"

I explained to them my recent dates had been a dribbling, shaking, self help addict and a Frankenstein lookalike that could have taught the CIA a thing or two about questioning.

There have been dates since who did not dribble, interrogate or arrive fashionably late. Needless to say there are definitely a blog or two's worth in them.

To be continued ...............